Even now I still occasionally wake up in a cold sweat thinking I am still in college with another set of exams to go. After a while I had realised that my ‘leave it to the last minute and cram’ strategy was getting harder and harder to pull off. Consequently I approached my Club Diver test with a certain degree of trepidation. After all it had been XX (insert your own guess*) years since my last exam of any kind.
I had been practicing leading dives and navigating since the beginning of the season (thanks Eugene and Tom in particular). I then racked up my final required 30 meter dive at Dun Bhriste with Alan O’Dowd. Jean started making subtle suggestions about when I was going to be ready. I now know how prisoners feel when they are walking the plank with a sword in their back. It was time to hit the books. Such a lot to learn. So many interesting ways to die...
On the practical side I found going down with mask in hand tough. What an unnatural thing to do. Taking it off underwater was no problem – going down without is a horrible sensation. Some masochist in the upper echelons of CMAS obviously has it in for us.
I managed to not get lost on my pre-test dive with Peadar. Has anyone ever managed to actually lead Peadar anywhere he wasn’t already planning to go - ever? He pronounced me ready. Gerry filled in the paperwork and after a small bit of ‘negotiation’ Gerry and Jean had an examiner lined up. As the big day approached a 30 minute session over the phone with Niall The Quiz Master Stapleton meant I was confident of the rules regulations as well as the lecture content. My cramming skills hadn’t completely deserted me.
Myself and Remis were being tested the same evening. Stewie from Dalkey was my examiner. As it turns out this was a three for the price of one special. Not only were we being tested but Remis’ examiner Eamon Russel (Dalkey) was doing his last required session as an examiner to become a Mon 2.
After introductions we checked paperwork and did some dry land compass work before the brief. We were on a low but rising tide. The brief was to try for the Muglands. Failing that our alternate was the ‘Poo Pipe’... Lots of thoughts about visibility and health and safety arise at this point but we can skip delicately on since in the end we dropped into shallow water on the northwest side of the island. We should do our tricks at 20m but with low tide we were going to shallow...
The dive plan was for me to lead all of us out from the Island for approx 10 minutes. When we found a clear spot we would do our tricks and then Remis would lead us back.
After calling everyone together on the surface and agreeing our home bearing it was mask off and time to descend. Success. Phew. On the bottom a quick check of our air and off we went with me confidently pointing in the wrong direction. I was following my bearing to the island rather than the reciprocal. Stewie gave me a quizzical look (hard to do with a mask on) and I quickly recovered from my school boy error. Yes of course I meant the other way...just testing.

*be nice

The viz was rubbish. We reached the scary depth of a whole 9m and it was time for tricks. No problems. If I ever have to swim around my buddy slowly blowing out bubbles in an emergency I am ready for it. Remis was smooth too and it was back to the island (heading the right way). We never even got deep enough to trigger my computers’ 3 minute safety stop counter on the ‘ascent’. After a bit of metaphorical head scratching to figure this out( about three minutes worth) it was time to go up and Remis lead the way.
On the surface we prepared for snorkelling and towing. Now I had hoped and prayed a little that we would be asked to do a token distance. No such luck – Stewie is a true professional. Himself and Eamon hoped onto the boat. Cheek. We headed off to swim along the island. At the other end it was Remis to tow first then me. It was a little choppy but of course towing was absolutely no problem for fine physical specimens like us. After about a decade the boat came to rescue us and it was back to dry land.
On the pier we did our CPR dry run. Nobody died and we retired to the Dalkey club rooms for the final leg of the test. I was relaxed at this point. If I had made it passed Niall’s scrutiny how hard could it be? Remis and I were alternatively peppered with questions. What are the markings on your bottle? What is RNT ? Describe the symptoms of an air embolism. A couple of tricky questions about repetitive dives in the cold using our tables and almost done. What do you do if your computer breaks? Ascend as fast as your smallest bubble and do a safety stop at five meters for six minutes ... Again the quizzical look – are you sure it isn’t the other way around ? Yes of course that is what I meant.
Then all of a sudden it was over. Stewie reached for his pen. The ink was dry. We passed. Time for a pint!
Thanks to everyone who lectured, trained, encouraged and risked drowning while myself and Remis learned to dive. We can now repay you by at least looking after the compass work so you can relax a little next time you are buddied with us. Just make sure I am not heading in completely the wrong direction before we set off...

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